Jane

Mmm senioritis please go die. Totally unmotivated to do anything... case in point, this paper I'm currently BS-ing the fuck out of was due sometime last week. I think I've skipped my English seminar more times than I actually showed up-- a few people in the class thought I actually dropped it, that's how little I'm there. It's not the class, it really isn't! I love Brooks to death and the seminar itself is reasonably interesting, its just at 9-fucking-am. I know, I know, its not that early, but in my mind, that's ungodly. I've never had a semester where I didn't have 8 and/or 9am classes everyday. And I fucking hate mornings. When I do actually show up, I'm a minimum of 15 minutes late. The sad thing is, he's cool with this. He really doesn't give a shit if I show up to class or not, and told me so to my face. Brooks is the fuckin' man.... but that only makes me feel worse for skipping his class so often.

Though I have him again at 10am, and I'm pretty good about showing up to that class and actually participating and shit. That is also the class that I have this motherfucker paper for. I have it mostly outlined and partially drafted, but I have no thesis. This shit is related, I know it is, I just need to figure out how. Then the rest of it will spawn itself before the end of the night. Goal is to get it done before I leave North Campus for the day, so I can drop it in his mailbox and pretend its been there since Monday. His absentmindedness is useful for things sometimes.

Did I ever mention I joined Philadelphia Freedom Band? I don't know, I never update this thing anymore. Well I did, about a month ago, and I have to say its been pretty awesome making music again. Freedom band, aka gay band, is the only LGBT and ally oriented community band in the Philadelphia area. (I know-- GAYS, in the PERFORMING ARTS? I was shocked too! </sarcasm>) I really have been missing wind ensemble and pit and jazz band and all that HS music shit, as much as I used to bitch about it. But its just not worth it to join that stuff at WCU since I have to do it for credit, and I just don't have the time. Plus I don't want to take chairs away from actual music majors who actually need the credits, though I suppose its their fault for sucking more than a non-major. But community band is more fun anyway, and everyone is batshit insane. We're actually playing things that don't completely suck for the basses too, which is pretty awesome. I'm playing bass clarinet only, which makes me happy. <3

I'm impressed that I still actually have some talent left, considering that I haven't picked up that thing in three years. My chromatic isn't as fast as it was and my tonguing sucks (wait, was I ever good at it?), but I still have my tone, and that's all I really care about. Everything else can come back easily, but I worked my ass off to develop a beautiful lower octave and I'd probably cry if I had to start from square one. But I won't cry because below middle C-ish is still sex. My upper octave is totally shot; my old playing rage was Eb to Eb, three octaves. Need to practice a little bit to get that back, even though I'm technically not allowed to practice in my building. But I will until people yell at me to stop. Thinking of making a serious effort to be decent at clarinet again too.

Been feeling a little under-the-weather lately; I think I'm getting sick. Just what I need right now. On the bright side, every time I cough in public I can turn to the person next to me and go "HA, just gave you swine flu!". It amuses me how often they freak out.

Mmm, and now to go attend afternoon meetings and yell at WCUR trainees. Bout that paper... x.x

Dear CSC110: die in a fire. plzkthxbai. You are made of useless and epic phail. Take home exam on GOOGLE = Do. Not. Want.

Professors srsly need to stop giving me high grades on shit that I bs-ed the night before it was due. Trying so hard to break myself of this habit, but I always get As! I put off my 4000+ word Old Testament midterm til the MORNING it was due and pulled it out of my ass in less than three hours. And that shit was intense hardcore philosophizing! And I got it back to A++++ 'you are the shit this is awesome wow way to go eight thousand gold stars'. Gah!

That professor is the shit. For one of my essays on the shifting Israelite identity from Mosiac/Monarchic/post-Temple/post-exilic she wrote in the margin "Edward Said would be proud!". She knows the greatest compliment to give to a total theory dork. I made my class's heads bleed and implode when my first response to her asking me "you don't study gender, do you?" was "no, I'm a postcolonialist marxist; I specialize in imperial identity construction". Take that English department, try to convert me with your feminist nonsense. I fling my cultural normativity and identity construction at you! Rawr!

Actually postcolonialist theory meshes quite sexily with feminist theory; most people just don't stop to realize that its all about construction of binaries and power roles. Then again that's all of English studies.

Hell is almost over, just have a paper due for Brooks tomorrow that was actually due Monday but never got done. Whoops. Won't have time to start it until about seven pm-ish since tuesday is Hell Day.

Its homotransophobe week in west chester, yay! I've almost been lynched a minimum of three times since the weekend! Ironically, I've looked like a little trannyboi for about five years, no idea why people suddenly feel the need to pull their kids away from me when I'm walking down the street and be like "oh god don't look keep your eyes pure." I was so tempted to breathe on the hellspawn of one particularly obnoxious cunt and yell "HA GAVE YOU GAY, you're gonna sprout a vagina tonight and start eating puppies".

I'm considering coming out to my mom this week. May be a bad life decision, but I'm already half-disowned anyway, so at this point it doesn't really matter either way.

I need to go clothing shopping again, I need pants. Seriously I destroy the fuck out of jeans.

Motivation is at an all-time low. I have senioritis baaaaad. Need to start doing some hardcore grad school research too, ughhh. I'm putting it off because I'm scared shitless to think about where I'm going after I escape this hellhole. Need to schedule classes soon too, ugh.

Need to go do some work. WCUR business and such. Maybe I'll actually update again within the next month. But don't hold your breath. ;)

There are some, of course, since I phail at this blogging thing epically. I have no life, you all know this.

Why do classes suck so bad this semester omfg rawrrr. Its sad that the two that actually stimulate my brain the most are both on subjects that I dislike. But we actually have intelligent conversations in American Lit, and my professor is the shit! But I hate american literature. x.x I've become a master at throwing all the conversations into the abstract with minimal textual support, and then I just look really smart. Sorisio fuckin loves me right now, I'm hoping it stays this way since I hear she's a really hard grader. But she's awesome and I've got like 100% in her class right now.

She'd be more awesome if she taught European lit and didn't give ridiculous pop quizzes. But whatevs.

Old Testament (should be called Hebrew Bible goddamnit!) is eh. The problem right now isn't the psycho religinazis (yeah, kind of tore them apart the first week of class) but a guy that is really arrogant and just loooves to hear the sound of his own voice. He's just a fucker, whatever. Not like the rest of us want to talk or anything. </sarcasm>

Rest of classes are really just kind of suck. I'm not enjoying Brooks's classes as much as I usually do, and he's one of my favourite profs ever. We're finally off Pride and Prejudice so 19th cent novel doesn't fail as bad as it did. Seminar is eh, but its also at 9am, so I'd rather have bullshit then actually have to do things. Moore's class is just eh too, but there are a bunch of idiot toolbags that insist on adding their commentary every other word and she's too nice to tell them to stfu. Comp sci is a waste of my life.

The rest of life is fantastic for once! I never thought that phrase would leave my mouth. >.< But I have an amazing girlfriend and live around amazing people, and for once don't feel like a massive pile of suck. Yeah, apparently I dress like a slut, and I don't dress sexy enough, according to you-know-who. Oh yeah, and I need a date for homecoming gigglesnort. I just can't bring myself to come out to my mom; she has my entire fuckin wedding planned already, and yeah, it tears me apart when she nags me about this shit (a) because she has to be such a goddamn bitch about it and (b) well, obvious, but apparently it makes her happy to live her life through me and subsequently make my life miserable. That and she has this tendency to tear apart or fuck up anything I happen to love, and I'm guessing this will apply to anyone as well, so yeah.

But it was her that drove me to do shots of tequila and then jump Sofie to begin with, so I guess she is useful for some things. Ironic. ;)

There have been epic adventures and I've actually been having a social life for once, including barhopping around West Chester and making random weekend road trips to Baltimore, so that half of life doesn't suck. In fact it seems to be balancing out or overriding the part that does suck, so yeah.

Yay. :)

Whoops. Oh well, not like any events of my life are significant anyway.

Out of shoe repair hell, and none too soon. Yeah, I was grateful for the job, but I was ready to kill myself and/or everyone else in the store by the end. Fuck people srsly.

And speaking of fuck people, I have returned to West Chester. Yay. Except not. This campus seems to be made of even more suck then before, which is an impressive feat. We shall see how this plays out over the semester

I am now living in an apartment of motherfucking epic. Seriously, its pretty much just insanity, more insanity, banter on social constructionism, random people spawning at strange hours of the night, feminist interpretations of Honey Nut Cheerios boxes, alcohol, bagpipes, more insanity, and metal. Needless to say, its ten times better than the goddamn dorms which I am SO glad to finally be out of, considering how much this years Freshmen class sucks.

Plus I get a kitchen, which means I get to make delicious food every night instead of suffering through the dining hall. Pan-fried tofu with General Tsao's sauce, vegan sloppy Joes, fried potatoes and omelettes for breakfast every morning, and best of all, delicious (real) Italian food from scratch, honed from living in a community surrounded by crazy Italian immigrants who know their pasta for sixteen years. It smells godly in here right now; we are going to have an epic dinner party with top hats and Merlot and delicious lasagna. I only wish I could have real pasta to go with it, but my pasta machine is at home, sadness. Have to deal with the shit from the box. But even still, Italian food and French booze! Fantastic nights ahead! =D

ps- yeah, dry campus lolz

Classes! I has some:

ENG400-02: English Seminar, Victorian Crime Novels (Brooks)
LIT341: 19th Century Novel (Brooks)
LIT 302: Development of the American Novel (Soriso)
PHI351: Ideas of the Old Testament (Cox)
PHI206: Religion of the West (Moore)
CSC110: Intro to Comp. Sci. (Townsend)

Half of them suck and half are awesome, so its neutral. American Lit is going to suck, even though I love the professor so far. Fuckin Moby Dick AND Uncle Tom's Cabin. Not fair! Haaaaaate. The pair of Brook's classes is back to back, so thats awesome because he's the shit. The one I've already read all the books for, so he told me that I can just coast through the semester and sleep, and he'll give me an A. Gods he's awesome. Ditto to Moore. Comp Sci sucks so bad, whatever, it fills the requirement and the professor is vaguely amusing. Old Testament is going to go either way: the prof is so awesome, but I fucking hate all the people in the class. Its half Philosophy majors and half CRU members. Its going to be a bloodbath. Cox said she's going to bring in boxing gloves and we can just fight it out physically by the end of the semester. Also she wants to play Biblical lazer tag. Love.

And now I can finally say I've been to Nocturne, because I make bad life decisions and go out clubbing even though I know I have an early class the next day. Whatever, it was goddamn epic. There shall be many more trips to deal with this school year, its just going to be necessary.

Except when I have shit to bitch about, of course. So lets just runthrough the highlights of my July month for those who happen to be interested in insignificant aspects of my West Motherfuck alterego.

I was glued to the Tour de France all month, of course. Though apparently not many people realize this about me, I am a cycling Fanatic, with a serious capital F. More of a mountain biker personally, but I follow road racing pretty close because most of the people I talk sprockets with are crazy old men who are road bikers. Though Levi falling on stage 12 pretty much killed my Tour hopes this year because I really wanted him to kick some Armstrong ass. Of course the crazy old British men who do the commentary had him on the phone during stages 13 and 14 and were drilling him about how shitty he must feel having to watch his team kick ass from his couch at home. Armstrong came in third, incidently, for anyone who actually cares. His teammate Alberto won after shredding the fuck out of the Swiss Alps. My Garmin boys didn't do too hot either actually, but Christian Valve-Verde was just having a really shitty tour, and they were really counting on him to lead them. Can't wait til Tyler Farrar heals up a little better so he can continue to scalp Cav.

Enough nerd ranting. What else has happened in life...

Well speaking of sprocket rockets, got me a new mountain shredding beast. Pictures will be coming soon, for sure, but we have no camera cables in this house so I need to procure one. Its a beautiful 2009 Diamondback Lustre 2 hardtrail/XC racer (meaning front shocks and suspension fork, rear derailler with no suspension), 15" frame, 26" wheels, SRAM trigger shifters, pearl white frame with green and black decals. Of course its stupid to have a WHITE mountain bike, but the only other colour it came in was a hideous teal. Womens bikes don't come in black or brown, of course. I'm just happy I didn't have to spraypaint a pink POS. It is no longer white, of course, since I was bunnyhopping through mud puddles all day, but this thing is a beast. Seriously, if you're buying a mountain bike, especially if you're female, buy a Diamondback.

Fuck this house, of course. Its been up and down, whatever. I'm only here and dealing with people for a few hours a day anyway.

As alluded to earlier, though I'm evil so I leave you all hanging, yes, I am gainfully employed with a crazy old cobbler down in West Reading. Seriously, I have so many stories from this place of psycho bitches flipping out on me for no reason. Want to have a good laugh, ask me about the pink flipflop lady, the psycho Coach bitch, red handbag whore... oh man, the list goes on. And yes, those are all horrible names that we give them behind their backs. Maybe I'll post a few of the more amusing anecdotes sometime.

And what else. Hm, I turned 21 in that time. Celebrated at Knoebles like the two year old I am and was force fed alcohol by my own mother who is still on an intense quest to make me "normal". Whatev on that too, it was still a good day.

Taking the GREs in October, ugh. Though I'm actually seriously considering not going to grad school for my Ph.D., but just going for a year, getting my MLS, and then getting out into the work force. At this point, I really feel like this is the best choice for assorted reasons that I'm still trying to work out completely. Honestly, I can't think about making major life decisions while I'm here. I'm using this cover as an excuse to fend off nagging about my lack of future for the summer, and then waiting til I get back to WCU where I can talk to people who don't think I'm a total fuckup and can give a more neutral or positive opinion.

And speak of the devil, now I'm being yelled at indirectly for some bullshit. More later. Or maybe not given my update track record.

I drive a six cylinder automatic sedan. Made by Ford.

Dear gods I finally have a fucking job. FINALLY, I will be out of the house six days a week and getting paid for it.

Maybe the rest of the summer won't suck as bad now.

So it's official. I'm a loser, a disappointment, and a complete and total failure (among other things). This is according to my mother, of course. Love it, just love it. As if I wasn't miserable enough to begin with. But don't worry, she even gave me a section of the newspaper devoted to low-incoming housing with a "glad i don't need this, but you will" and "i'll get you a bulleproof vest for your birthday". This came out of nowhere, a few minutes after me sitting down on the couch after spending my day cleaning half the house, making dinner, walking the dogs, doing the laundry, etc, etc; just "you're a total disappointment (etc etc)" and after my dad makes a what-the-fuck type comment starts with "well its not my fault she's a loser and a screw up." what the hell, seriously. Glad I don't have, you know, feelings or anything.

Still at war with the parental units, what a surprise. Seriously I can actually feel the depression/sickness/hate sinking in around me when I'm in here. This is ridiculous and pathetic, and furthering my i-need-go-get-the-fuck-out-of-here reflex. Kevin wants to have dinner up in West Chester next week, so at least that's one night away. Ugh.

First job fell through, and I'm not sad to see it go. Fucking Gage (my new agency; Manpower isn't hiring for shit) fucked me over so hard and put me in the biggest shithole humanly possible. Yeah, line work isn't fun. I know. It's not like I've never done it before. But this was a new level of hell. People would literally burst into tears right there on the line, begging the operator to turn the machines down. If you know what's good for you, do not show me anything remotely resembling a pretzel for the next year or I might flip out. I was having nightmares of pretzels for several days afterwards, UGH. Fuck "Flipz", srsly.

I have a lead on a new job, I went in for the interview and charmed them all, they love me and they want me, but its been a week and they haven't called me back since. They were checking my references and shit, but I don't think that would take a whole week? Obviously I didn't put down anyone that would say anything bad about me, so I'm not sure what the problem is. I think I'll call first thing on Monday to see what the dilly-o is, because I need a fucking job. As far as warehouse jobs go, it doesn't seem too bad. Though I'm getting first shift, not third, which kinda sorta really sucks, since I've always depended on third shift to retain my sanity throughout the summer (read as: third shift = never having to see anybody else who lives in the house, ever).

Apparently I go to the gym and lift weights too much. People will think I'm a dyke, you know, and no one will think I'm sexy with muscles that show. LOL, wow, I don't know what my mother's problem with this is or why its her new vendetta against me, but its kinda hilarious in a pathetic way.

I've taken up skateboarding more seriously, about 40% for the adrenaline factor, 40% for the badass factor, and 20% for the good old fashioned piss off the parentals factor. Must learn to pull my ollie up past about a foot, grrrr.

Been having serious second thoughts about grad school, which is working very hard against me since my fucking mother has gone from being dead-set against it to dead-set for it, to the point where she won't hear any talk about me not going. But last semester's hell-load showed me that I'm not going to be able to handle a grad level work load, physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever. I'm tired of feeling like I'm entirely useless to society, and clearly funding agencies feel the same way, as the humanities are being fucked over in every possible way. If I go, its going to be for a masters in one of the communications fields, which is what I should have majored/double majored in from the beginning, but you know all college info seminars are useless so I didn't realize this until it was too late. I don't know anymore, its whatever. Just more shit I need to look in to, and have no motivation to do so.

I hate summer break.

That's it, I can't stay here over the summer, I am literally going to die. I got into such a huge fight with my father, my only bastion of sanity, that I almost crashed my fucking car because I was sobbing too hard to drive. Jesus fuck I'm still sobbing, my stomach is on fire, what the hell is wrong with me. I have gone from feeling reasonably confident and happy to wanting nothing but to carve up my body and die, in less than a week. How the fuck does this shithole do this to me. There's something wrong with me, there really is. My own house, my own goddamn family has managed to turn my life into a living hell. It has to be me, it fucking has to. Maybe I really am just an ungrateful little piece of shit.

I inherited a sweet fifteen speed racing bike from the paternal unit, who doesn't really use it anymore (so I convinced him to let me use it instead). Yeah, fifteen speeds, oldschool. It's probably from the early '90s, what did you expect. I think 18-24 is the new standard, but whatever. Not like you actually use all the gears anyway, so an 18 speed would really only increase my shifting range by one, at most. 28", nice light frame, in decent condition considering its been sitting in my basement for the past six years. I spent part of today spiffing both it and my old mountain bike up for the summer, need to go out tomorrow and buy some grease for the chains. I think I'm going to keep said mountain bike for now, since there are nice trails around here and I don't want to fuck up the tires of my street bike. Only the racing/road bike is coming back to school with me, methinks. Though who knows, West Chester sidewalks are pretty trecherous, maybe I'll need that mountain bike after all.

Summer is uneventful. Still unemployed and have no prospects, I filled out an application at a supermarket over the weekend and beat on the street is that Gauge is having a job fair tomorrow, so I'm going to brave the streets of West Reading to see if I can get me a nice hazard job, preferably with lots of heavy lifting, to maximize my income. Breathing in toxic fumes shouldn't be too bad if it's only for a few months.... right?

I've polished off a few books since I've been home, probably the best part of summer.

Might be going to Europe with the paternal unit for my birthday, which is pretty fucking awesome. I'm finally getting my damn passport so when he goes on these long business trips abroad, I can tag along and go pick up hot german metalheads see the sights and such.

Ugh, unpacking still needs to get done. Most of it is done, but I'm being really lazy wiht the last box or so, and then I have to do something about all the piles that have accumulated themselves in my room, which is apparently the new crap closet for the parental units when I'm gone. At least my mother hasn't converted it to a bedroom for her dogs ....YET. >.<

Family problems, emo tiems, yadda yadda yadda. Pretty much ignoring it all right now, that's probably not healthy.

Also, sleep is clearly for the weak.

Ah, torno a casa. We'll decide if this is a good thing in about a week or so when I'm clawing to get back up to WCU. But I already have a few escape routes in place in case this house drives me up the wall; several minions have requested my prescence, and Zach promised he'd take me out for delicious Indian food and offroading adventures if I came up that summer (<3!).

Semester in wrapup:
+best papers: War for Wonderland: Colonialism, Conquest, and Ethnocentrism in the Alice Books. Headbangers in Asgaard: Asatru and the Viking Metal Movement. They're tied, I couldn't just pick one :P
+presented three papers at area conferences, generated a buzz, did some networking.
+finally learned what it was like to be hit with a ridiculously pathetic crush, and the soulcrushing shyness of not being able to admit it.
+survived the Hoffbeast.
+met one of the best professors at WCU, Charlotte Moore, whom I adore beyond all human reason and will be taking classes with for the rest of my career, and most likely keeping touch with after I graduate.
+obligatory made new friends, nurtured my life, etc, etc
+made the PR office love me to death
+learned I don't want to go into PR after I graduate
+survived the most ridiculous suicidal course load ever. Never again. X_X

Plans for summer:
+work
+gym
+work more
+possible vacation?
+turn 21
+oh did I mention work?

Tomorrow is the festival of the Birthday of the Buddha. I'm off to make delicious vegan cupcakes for the occasion. :)

Peace out gaiz.

So fucking sick of everything ever. This semester has pretty much reinforced why I'll crack under the pressure in grad school and probably shouldn't even bother going.

Seriously, this workload is causing physical pain. Pretty sure that's not supposed to happen. I'm exhausted, drained, and burnt out physically, mentally, spiritually, and every fucking level inbetween. I've been pushing my body well beyond my limits and its exhausting to the point where I can't even think anymore. I've spent more time awake than asleep the past week and a half, and of course have been abusing every source of caffine and sugar to keep my energy levels up. If I thought they'd do shit for me, I'd go down to the health center tomorrow and ask for 10 ccs of NPH insulin because I know my levels are up from all the sugar abuse, which I'm sure is part of the exhaustion.

I have to have two papers finished by nine am. I'm not even done with one. Fuck.

One is, of course, already overdue and the Hoffbeast is going to fucking kill me. I won't be surprised if he refuses to take it, which will be just peachy because then I'll fail the class. Words cannot express my hatred for that man right now, and any work I do for him has gotten to the point of being physically painful. There...there just are no words. Suffice it to say that if I found out he got hit by a bus, I honestly would not care. I might laugh. I feel like a horrible person for thinking such things, but its at the point where I wouldn't care.

The other is for Perry who is also pretty high up on my shit list, and also in the "i dont fucking care about your class anymore since you have not given me one goddamn reason why i should" vein.

It's pathetic that I'm already mapping out ways to get out of this shit and buy myself an extention. At this point, I'm thinking pour all my effort out into the Hoffbeast's paper, which I'm totally fucked for because I don't believe my own argument anymore, but I'm not allowed to change it, so basically I now have to prove a point that I thoroughly admit was based on a misinterpretation of select scripture and thus is no loner valid. Whatever. I kind of wanted to write my paper on Satanism just to piss him the fuck off. Asatru is the next best thing, of course. Trying to change my premises just enough so they'll still be valid and he won't notice, but enough so that I can actually believe the shit I'm writing. And if not, fuck it, I'll just write it. I don't care.

And for Perry, at this point, she hates me anyway. I'm just going to go with the blatently honest "I have not slept a consecutive five hours in the past week, I have had seven papers, two presentations, an exam, two outlines, and gods know how much reading due in the past week. I'm burnt out. You'll get the fucker in a few days and I don't care how much you downgrade me for this." Hopefully she won't knock off a letter grade for every single day it's late, or I'll probably end up with an F before I even turn it in.

Of course, tomorrow (today) was the one day that I actually had something enjoyable and fun planned, and am now going to be half asleep for it. I don't care that its my own fault for poor planning or whatever, I'm strung out the point where I either want to punch something or sit and wallow in my own self pity.

This entire summer is going to be detox time. Week of literally living on salad and tofu to let all this artificial shit and sugar overload spool itself out of my body. When not at work, you will find me in the gym or meditating in a tree somewhere. I can't keep living my life like this, pushing myself to the point of exhaustion and self hatred and then expecting four months of recovery time before the cycle starts up again, yet I know this is going to continue if I go to graduate school. I'm so tired of the same cycle, and honestly, I don't think its worth it in the end. I know I'm not turning out my best quality of work as I'm just churning out bullshit two hours before the fucker is due.

Fuck everything.

War Hammer of the gods
Bring down the walls of Babylon

Seven papers, two presentations, two outlines, a handout, portfolio, and an exam, all by Friday? Oh yeah, and add 60-someodd books to bind by hand on top of that.

Sorry guys, this workload is kinda ridiculous.

And to make everything worse, apathy has set in. This isn't good. This will not end well. Motivation = 0. And every day is pretty much packed to the seams with meetings/awards ceremonies/classes/reviews/etc, so that leaves nothing but nighttime to do all this shit.

I need an idea for my final paper for the Hoffbeast. It's due in two days and I haven't even sent him my TEMPLATE yet. There's no way I'm going to be able to get it in on time. I think I'm going to turn it in late for the B because I need to take a few things off this workload, seriously. I get that it's college, I get that I'm overloaded with classes, I get that I'm in all upper level English and Philosophy classes, but come on. This is kind of fucking ridiculous.

I got fucking called for jury duty.

Isn't that just goddamn peachy.

Glad I don't have, you know, sixty five pages to write in the next week and totally have time for this shit.

On a related note, this week is going to kill me. It's already a given. That sixty five isn't an exaggeration.

I really hate life sometimes.

I don't think I could even begin to explain anything right now.

Back when I used to SI, this would have been my anthem had the song been made. Really not liking the ways it applies to my life right now.


A seed of doubt
It exists
And it grows
A glimpse of life
From somewhere deep within
Awake and understand

Is there anyone else here?
Somebody screaming
Please help me
Let's find out now
That I am not dreaming
Welcome to my damnation
Here it comes the real me

I didn't know
I couldn't hear the answer
My mind was blank
I should have known
I hold it back but somehow
There is someone else
Another stranger me

Another stranger me

That's
When the ice
Will break away

I can't get out here
Anymore
Cause none of my keys
Fit the door
There's fear and anger
Hate and love
I must confess
It's out of hand

It's cynic
It's cynic
Still cynic
All my laughter

It's cynic
Just manic
It's cynic
All her laughter

If there's anyone in
It soon will be over
We'll burn out
Our soul's aflammed
And we're on our own now
Give up you cruel invasion
You're insane I'll show you

I didn't know...

Out and gone
Can't resist
Cold and sore
The bolt of pain
Keeps ripping through my head
I can take no more

Don't tell anyone else but I
Do not believe her
She hates me
Cloud my mind
She's a deceiver
I can feel cruel vibrations
Would you like to meet me?

I didn't know...

Another stranger me

I should not get off the phone with my own fucking mother crying and feeling like a worthless piece of shit.

I just shouldn't.

Awesome. Day. Was. Awesome.

I mean seriously, considering I spent two hours last night curled up in my chair sobbing, this is...really, where the fuck did this come from.

1. I got an A- on a test that I legitimately thought I failed. Rephrase: I DID fail. Answers are blatently wrong and entirely made up. But he decided for some reason beyond my comprehension to mark them right and give me an A-. I'm not complaining.

2. I got accepted to the FDI conference in Bloomsburg, presenting a really awesome paper. No seriously. I am in love with this paper, and I'm really excited to get some feedback on it. Only problem is its only a six-seven minute read now, so I've gotta get it up to fifteen. Shouldn't be a problem though since I'm really enthusiastic about the topic.

3. I got a fucking $1500 scholarship from the English Department WHHAAATTT! This is the first time ever I have actually gotten money for school. Like seriously. I get No Fucking Financial Aid at all, which sucks beyond human comprehension. But some professor (I don't know who, but I suspect it was Peich...) nominated me for this award, so I was like hey, I'll apply. And I fucking won! More people in the department must like me than I thought.... either that or they were impressed with my "Why I Am A Total English Nerd And Need A Life" essay. Either way, I don't care. I'm so pumped.

4. I saw motherfucking Dethklok at The Note tonight. Doctor Rockso was a guest, complete with hot pink furry gogo boots and neon spandex. Also they did so many awesome coversssss fucking Van Halen! Metal version of Queen! BOC! King Diamond!

::floats away on cloud nine::

Not going to think about EAPSU for now, because that will kill all this happy.

Fun fact: Lime-flavoured Diet Pepsi is a liquid form of crack.