urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov lit nerd extraordinaire Jane 2010-01-07T03:51:51Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:30976 2010-01-07T01:15:05Z 2010-01-07T03:51:51Z Maybe later an entry will spawn about how I almost got myself fired/raped/lynched at work due to a combination of hat failure and mothercunt's washing machine bans. Thankfully, my boss was not in the room at the time or I would have been fired, and thankfully the offender was a (straight) woman so I didn't get rape threats this time. Though he was in the room with his back turned when a creeper made a scissoring motion with his hands at me, accompanied by an equally lewd wink. I flipped him off. Ugh. Fuck you, West Reading.<br /><br />But now, meme time because I need something mindless.<br /><br /><a name="cutid1"></a><br /><br />A<br />- Available: nope! I'm lucky enough to be in a committed romantic relationship AND a D/s relationship with the same incredible person. You cats wish you were as lucky as me. :-)<br />- Age: 21<br />- Annoyance: slow drivers<br />- Animal: PENGUIN &lt;3<br /><br />B<br />- Beer: Guinness. Its the water of my peoples. :-) Though, I'm not a huge beer fan to begin with.<br />- Birthday: 27 June 1988<br />- Best Friend: I have many circles of minions that I cavort with on a regular basis.<br />- Blind or Deaf: ha, if I keep blasting metal the way I do I'll be deaf in a year.<br />- Best weather: 60s-70s, little overcast. Perfect biking weather.<br />- Believe in Magic: with a k<br />- Believe in Santa: mmm pedophiles<br /><br />C<br />- Candy: Sofie<br />- Color: dark earth tones, dark green and blue<br />- Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate<br />- Chinese/Mexican Food: burritos nomnomnom<br />- Cake or pie: cake<br />- Continent to visit: europe, asia, antartica~!<br />- Cheese: is delicious<br /><br />D<br />- Day or Night: evening<br />- Dancing in the rain: bike riding is more fun (keeping Sofie's answer hehehe)<br /><br />E<br />- Eyes: brown<br />- Everyone's got: a brain. The grey matter to sawdust ratio just differs from person to idiot.<br />- Ever failed a class: no. Though in my mind, a B+ is failing, so then yes.<br /><br />F<br />- First thoughts waking up: go die alarm<br />- Food: is delicious and nutritious<br /><br />G<br />- Greatest Fear: losing the love of my life because I can be an idiot, being unhirable forever, basically any thought involving the future<br />- Goals: are ok in small quantities, though significantly overrated<br />- Gum: anything with a cool mint<br />- Get along with your parents: HA. CUTE. Fatherunit adores me and mothercunt hates me because I'm a fuckup. Half is better than nothing.<br /><br />H<br />- Hair Color: dark brown. Want to dye it blue soon.<br />- Height: 5'0" UGH I'm a midget<br />- Happy: happier when I'm not rotting in motherfuck<br />- Holiday: Samhain<br />- How do you want to die: dramatically, with lots of fire, preferably taking out a few more people with me<br /><br />I<br />-Ice Cream: phish food<br />-Instrument: TRIANGLE (I HAD A SOLO BITCHES), bass clarinet, soprano clarinet, alto sax, bari sax, concussion, mallets, timpani, drum set, failing horribly at flute, alto/baritone (voice)... whatever other random shit gets thrown at me. I used to be first chair in the state...I used to not suck!<br /><br />J<br />- Jewelry: is shiny. Wear a lot of it for a little boi...an adorable necklace Sofiepet gave me when we first started dating that I always have on under my shirt (two triquetra twisted into a &lt;3!), small "70.3" steel pendant on a choker, between five and seven earrings in various combinations of small hoops and studs, watch (need a new one, ugh) and/or my RoadID on right hand, a couple bracelets on left (currently a Turkish evil eye and the HRC's "believe" ID-band). Sometimes I wear a LiveStrong band too, but I go back and forth on that. I don't take any of it off, I just rotate every few months when I get bored.<br />- Job: anything random I can get. Random shit I've had: assembly line worker, packer, utility, banquet server, cashier, cobbler's <strike>bitch</strike> assistant, stockboi, PR writer, etc. Never had a "normal" retail job though, go figure. And am currently unhirable.<br /><br />K<br />- Kids: i've always said that if my partner wants spawn, then she can have them. but i'd like to adopt a (preferably mexican) kid and name him 'jose pedro mahoimes'. we will teach him (he will be programmed) to play the bagpipes and be a violin prodigy. after we're done fucking him up, he will be shipped to his new tank, also known as 'public school', where your taxpayer dollars will continue fucking him up for the next 10-13 years (depending on his prodigy level and bagpipes expertise). after that, if he has not killed himself, he will most likely get shipped off to his new prison, college/music school, where he will smoke lots of pot, drink lots of (imported and high quality) beer, party hard, fuck many boys (or girls?), lose all of his violin skillz due to shitty professors and somehow not fail out. then, he will live a life of being a fuck-up/musician and never make use of his shiny new degree until he dies poor in a pile of his own failure and/or shit. (I'm leaving Sofie's answer for this, as it was just epic.)<br />so, in short, HELL NO.<br />- Kickboxing or karate: mmm kickboxing. The regular kind also.<br />- Keep a journal: a training journal, consistantly. Occasionally I write in other journals/rant to eljay/whatevs.<br /><br />L<br />- Love: is an artificial psychosocial construct... but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy it. :-)<br />- Laughed so hard you cried: sure. Mostly during random gigglefests or inside jokes that I just couldn't stop laughing at.<br /><br />M<br />- Milk: is delicious extract of bovine.<br />- Movies: I rarely watch. My favorite is Clue, I've seen it so much I have it memorized.<br />- Motion sickness: nope.<br />- McD’s or BK: are both disguisting.<br /><br />N<br />- Number: 3, 7, 9<br /><br />O<br />- One wish: and the entire world goes bye-bye.<br /><br />P<br />- Pepsi/Coke: Dr. Pepper. Also I prefer Pepsi.<br />- Perfect Pizza: cheeeeeze, extra garlic, either black olives and/or mushrooms, or pineapple.<br />- Piercings: seven. Three on the left lobe, two on the right, one half-helix and one full-helix.<br /><br />Q<br />- Quail: floofums<br /><br />R<br />- Reality T.V.: is a waste of life which I hate with a passion.<br />- Radio Station: WCUR bitches<br />- Roll your tongue in a circle: yep<br />- Ring size: six. I have small hands &gt;.&gt;<br />S<br />- Song: "Memento Mori" - Kamelot ("Abandoned" is equally orgasmic). "What a Good Boy" - Barenaked Ladies. "Worker's Song" - Dropkick Murphys. "The Odyssey (mvt 8: Champion of Ithaca)" Symphony X.<br />- Shoe size: 6ish. Too small. &gt;.&lt;<br />- Salad Dressing: ranch, caesar, good old fashioned oil and vinegar<br />- Sushi: mmm California roll<br />- Shower:s are hot. But only if taken properly. ;-)<br />- Strawberries/Blueberries: both, mixed together.<br /><br />T<br />- Tattoos: none right now. Want to get Mjolnir imposed over a chaos star, and/or lyrics from "Memento Mori" on my leg. Kind of want one between my forefinger and thumb too.<br />- Time for bed: later than it should be.<br />- Thunderstorms: are awesome!<br /><br />U<br />- Unpredictable: naw, not really.<br /><br />V<br />- Vacation spot(s): want to go to Colorado and/or Arizona and/or Hawaii to take an epic mountain bike trip.<br /><br />W<br />- Weakness: getting up early. perfectionist; sets the bar too high and then gets frustrated when the inevitable failure comes. often either detached emotionally or so involved head cannot be separated from heart.<br />- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: hehehe all of them either have some of my mannerisms, or pick them up quickly. That's why they are still associating with me.<br />- Worst feeling: failure.<br />- Worst Weather: 30s or below with no snow. Stuck inside, want to be outside training. :'-(<br /><br />X<br />-X-rays: had a lot of those when I fucked up my arm. Haven't had any recently though.<br /><br />Y<br />-Year it is now: 2010...really? X_X<br />-Yellow: disguisting. Do I look like a happy sunshine person?<br /><br />Z<br />- Zoo animal: PENGUINSPENGUINSPENGUINSPENGUINSPENGUINS ^______^ (though I don't think I've ever been to a zoo...) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:30961 2010-01-06T02:21:34Z 2010-01-06T02:22:16Z <a href="http://www.diamondback.com/bikes/road/podium-1-10/">http://www.diamondback.com/bikes/road/podium-1-10/</a><br /><br />I died a little inside of happiness. Seriously I think I came on my computer. They haven't made this bike since 2005, and its gone a total makeover. They put carbon forks on it finally! Too bad I don't have $700 laying around (even though thats insane cheap for an entry level road bike with carbon componants, average is $1000+), and no space to store a second bike.<br /><br />But I want it goddamnit.<br /><br />Maybe I'll consider at the end of the racing season. I want to finish this one out on the MTB I'm used to (plus, nothing beats matching roadies surge-for-surge on a MTB), but I may consider selling it and using the proceeds towards a road bike. As much as I love trail riding, I don't know if I'll be in an area conducive to it. Just another variable for how much the rest of life is going to suck for the next few months.<br /><br />But I want it. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:30576 2009-12-25T21:39:39Z 2009-12-25T21:49:07Z Wow...just, wow. -&gt; <a href="http://www.feministing.com/archives/017315.html">http://www.feministing.com/archives/017315.html</a><br /><br />I'm more than a little disturbed... I mean, is an actual picture of the genetalia necessary? Doctors note, <i>maybe</i>, but really? Then again, whenever I see issues like this of which locker room/bathroom trannies belong in, my immidiate cynical reaction is to think to myself, 'hm, she's probably into dudes anyway, so why would the cisgendered females care if she's hanging around the locker room? she probably doens't want her dick anywhere near them anyway'. Obviously I know that transphobia runs deeper than that; pretty sure I figured it out the first time I was thrown out of a public restroom if not before that. Doesn't make me any less of a bitch though.<br /><br />I find this so ironic because I also work for Manpower, though obviously at a different placement. I don't know, maybe it was just a different work environment, because no one at my plant cared that I was a little trannyboi...in fact, I think they liked it, because every other biofemale in my age group was a whinny pansy who would refuse to do any heavy lifting, and I could bench my body weight and was more than willing to double rotate positions that required it, and willing to go crawling in tunnels covered in a coat of grease and chocolate and not caring if I got covered in it. Working there oddly made me feel more like a man than any job I ever had, despite the fact that most of my coworkers were women. It was pretty much a non-gendered job, actually, at the plant I worked at, which was one of the only good tings about it (yeah, this is Palmer...the other good things are decent pay and graveyard shift). For a lot of people, esp temps who wore different smocks, it was really hard to tell what biogender they were, and really no one gave a shit as long as you did your work. And we wore obnoxious blue hairnets, so with one of those on, a baggy smock, and some Dickies or coarse jeans, with nametags tucked under the smock so you were pretty much known by a nickname (mine was Smiley hehehe... I got called Jay and James a lot too.), you really weren't bound by appearences. And no one cared anyway because you would be covered in chocolate and grease and marshmallows by the end of your shift anyway, if you did your job right.<br /><br />I also didn't have the problems this woman had, partly because I didn't use the lockerroom that much, I came to work already dressed and just took my smock and safety equipment off at the end of my shift outside, since I always wore clothes underneath anyway. I wasn't allowed in either anyway, since temps couldn't have lockers (well I was allowed <i>in</i>, but if I wasn't using a locker, why would I bother?). I don't even remember which restroom I used since its such a sticky area...depends how hard I've bound usually since I've been thrown out of a woman's restroom more than once in public... I remember using the woman's one under the breakroom b/c it was closer, but the one in the back of the plant by the loading docks, everyone used. I think it was a woman's restroom originally? Did anyone actually know haha? Everyone used it anyway since all the others were all the way at the other end of the plant, and utility guys don't give a shit about anything anyway.<br /><br />Obviously these are two totally different scenarios, I'm just bored and feel like rambling for a while. But I think there are several factors at work here, namely (a) how vocal one is about their transgenderedness, and indeed, where they exist on the spectrum between genderfuck and full-on trans, not to mention transgendered vs transsexual, and (b) whether you're MtF or FtM. Its a subject fresh on my mind since I wrote my final Ideas of the Old Testament paper as a theory essay on how even going back to the Bible shows that its significantly more socially acceptable, even rewarded in some cases, for a biofemale to act as a man than a biomale to act as a women. There are several precedents for this, but the major one has to do the demonization of power exchange and the construction of humanity (in my paper, in Leviticus/Deuteronomy as put into practice in Judges/Samuel and Judith).<br /><br />Mmm, enough disjointed rambling for now. I really don't blame straight/cisgendered/whatever people for transphobia partly for personal reasons: i mean, if I've had it myself directed at myself, then how can I blame someone else who, acting in waht they believe is something perfectly sincere, directs it back at me? Another reason I like being a genderfuck and dancing on the razor-thin edge of the binary with my buzzcut, black tie, and pearl earrings, giggling at the ants below. Its useless and honestly, in my personal experience at least, if I don't draw attention to it, no one else does either (with the exception of the mothercunt... I think I'm disowned again? I'm not keeping track, though she did threaten to throw me out again. Which reminds me, I need to get my rent money together too, fuck. &lt;/tangent&gt;).<br /><br />At my current job, I have to play cisgendered uberfemme, but now its more out of fear/"i-dont-know-how-my-boss-will-react" than anything else. I showed up all summer in jeans and metal t-shirts, but I also wore a hat (my hair was a little longer too, I had side bangs so it was a little more 'feminine', i guess? I was just bored with the boy-mop I rocked for five years and did something different). Its a weird conundrum right now; I know my boss is extremely homophobic (its West Reading, what do you expect? I've almost been raped on that street by someone trying to turn me 'straight', once getting threatened in my work...), but at the same time, him and everyone else just treat me as one of the guys. The first thing he started talking to me about when I came back to work was cars, and asking for my advice on them. Its more of a don't-ask-don't-tell situation right now. Part of me thinks that his homophobia is just generic Motherfuck inherited beliefs, but a bigger part of me is afraid to lose my job. I was afraid during the summer, especially when that threat happened in the store...I ran into the back and hid in the heel room and asked Greg to man the counter with the justification that the old man was being a creeper, but I didn't tell him completely why, just that I didn't like the look he was giving me. I don't want to be a martyr, I can't lose that job. I have to pay the rent to my mother and I don't want to touch my savings for when I get an apt of my own (hopefully before I have to pay more rent here...its about the same price to go out and live on my own, sadly). I have gas to put in my car and to buy food and textbooks and tuition and other college-related expenses. I need that damn job. Hell, I need a damn job in West Chester. At this point, I'll play woman if that's what it takes to keep it.<br /><br />Potential giftmas update later? Peace out, cats. Enjoy your Jesus. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:30306 2009-12-10T19:57:27Z 2009-12-10T19:57:27Z I kicked ass on my Bible presentation. I am so proud of myself. People were even coming up to me today telling me how good it was, and the professor was giggling the entire time. I had a revelation about David like an hour and a half before and that just cinched the entire thing. After being able to prove that the King of Kings solidified his authority while in drag, and therefore the foundations of the Israelite monarchy were based on roles that were fundamentally performative, but still grounded in and affirmed by biomasculinity due to their Deuteronomistic nature, there was no way I wouldn't win. <br /><br />Considering how much that paper is worth, I'm happy. Probably going to write part of it later today while the presentation is still fresh in my head.<br /><br />Still not wanting to think about mental breakdown related things since they'll probably trigger me again, lets just leave it at I have three possibilities after I graduate, all tenuous at best, and every one involves me having to make a hard choice and give something up. I can have a degree that might get me closer to my dream, I can have the love of my life, or I can have a job. For each scenario, I can only have one or two of the three. <br /><br />Pissed more than anything, because all I've done for the past four years is give and take. I've busted my ass because I've pushed aside every other aspect of my life to maintain an insane high GPA, and now that apparently doesn't matter at all. I'm graduating summa cum laude, with highest honours and having been on the top of the Dean's List every semester, yet I still can't even go to the school of my choice because their financial aid packages are a joke. FML.<br /><br />Ugh. More ranting on that later, I'm sure.<br /><br />I've been dating Sofie for over three months. That's kind of insane.<br /><br />Fatherunit is coming up on Sunday for our yearly pre-Giftmas King of Prussia adventures and such. I hope I get to trample some housewives this year, mwhahahaha.<br /><br />And now, off to finish WCUR's budget before SGA comes for my head on a pike. Peace, kids. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:30184 2009-12-09T16:43:11Z 2009-12-09T18:04:54Z Needs to not be happening now kthx. Guess that's what I get for stuffing 18-21 credits down my throat every semester since freshman year. <br /><br />More lifeupdates when I'm somewhat less sui/omnicidal, for now, reasons why I will not be leaving the library/student union for the next week and a half:<br /><br />Ideas of OT: presentation, worth 20% and due in like two hours. I kind of have a topic? The accompanying paper is due next week, worth another 30%, so my entire grade is riding on this motherfucker. Thankfully, the professor loves me and apparently thinks I'm hot, so maybe that will help me hehehe. Topic- still in developing stages (yeah...two hours with class inbetween), but basically having to do with the necessity of genderfluidity for the ideal Israelite Warlord and the use of drag in the Hebrew Bible/Old Testament.<br /><br />Development of American Novel: Just have an essay left and a novel to read (that was squished into two days...yeah, way to go Sorisio, why didn't you just cut it x.x). Have no idea how I'm doing in that class, I'm probably going to end up in the B range, which I am so pissed about. I love Sorisio to death but her grading is insane. Those pop quizzes that are worth 30% of the final grade are going to kill me. That and she keeps giving me 89.9s on my writing assignments...really? REALLY? Topic- use of drag in Tourgee's <i>Bricks Without Straw</i> to represent the problems of White "Honour". Worst book ever written (there's a reason that it's been out of print for 130 years---yeaaah.), but the goal is to namedrop Butler and Sedgwick and all their cronies as much as possible and get pity points.<br /><br />Seminar (Victorian Crime Novels): A short essay on a book about Wilde's influence on queer theory that my professor threw at me and was like "here, you'll enjoy this, do a presentation on it and I'll give you more As" that was due a while ago, but since he's really in an apathetic i-dont-care-when-you-turn-anything-in-ever state, I'm taking advangage of it and pushing bigger assignments out first. I'll have it done for Friday hopefully. And then there's his final paper, which is worth 40% of my grade--so if I don't do well, I'm fucked. Thankfully he just likes to give me As now. Topic: genderfluidity and drag as a mode of economic production in <i>The Woman in White</i>.<br /><br />I figure for these three, if I'm going to torment myself with Butler, I'm going all out and at least getting as much out of it as I possibly can. After deciding on that topic for my seminar paper, because when the opportunity arises, I really can't resist being an angry tranny Marxist, since that's really what I am at heart anyway, I figured I'd worm at least my other two major papers out of the same pile of research. Which means I pretty much spend my weekend bonding with Butler so I can get those fuckers out of the way. Seminar paper can't be pushed to the night before...gotta remember that one.<br /><br />19th Century Novel (wait, or is it Victorian novel...or did I have that last semester? I forget, I keep taking these classes with Brooks in that general period, I don't remember which is which): Just an inclass essay exam on <i>Tess of the d'Ubervilles</i>. Ugh, not my favourite Hardy novel, though he keeps insisting on teaching it. I've taken final exams on that novel with him before, so he'll probably just use the same prompt. I got an A on the <i>Great Expectations</i> exam and I haven't read the book in years, so I'm not that worried. Its just at an ungodly hour of the morning and I generally hate exams. And he knows my opinions on that book and the author already and they're not favourable, so maybe I'll get pity points. Or he'll just give me more As heheheh. Really hope that's the case.<br /><br />Computer Science: Useless class. Open book test on Java tomorrow and then I have to make a website using said Java by Tuesday. Gods I HATE Java. So fucking useless. I'll be pulling that out of my ass Monday night kthxbai.<br /><br />Religion of the West: Inclass exam on Islam. Really not concerned at all, Moore will also just give me an A because she loves me and she's just the shit like that. Got an 88% on the last exam and high As on all the others, plus As on my paper and presentation. As long as I don't bomb, I'm safe.<br /><br />And now, back to the Bible. More mental breakdown stories and disownment/reownment related things later. The last thing I need right now, of course. Ugh.<br /><br />I hate finals week. Goal is to get more than four hours of sleep tonight...I think running on 10 hours for the entire week and 700 mg of caffeine a day is a bad life decision... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:29897 2009-11-03T20:08:54Z 2009-11-03T20:11:32Z random WCUR indie in background Mmm senioritis please go die. Totally unmotivated to do anything... case in point, this paper I'm currently BS-ing the fuck out of was due sometime last week. I think I've skipped my English seminar more times than I actually showed up-- a few people in the class thought I actually dropped it, that's how little I'm there. It's not the class, it really isn't! I love Brooks to death and the seminar itself is reasonably interesting, its just at 9-fucking-am. I know, I know, its not that early, but in my mind, that's ungodly. I've never had a semester where I didn't have 8 and/or 9am classes everyday. And I fucking hate mornings. When I do actually show up, I'm a minimum of 15 minutes late. The sad thing is, he's cool with this. He really doesn't give a shit if I show up to class or not, and told me so to my face. Brooks is the fuckin' man.... but that only makes me feel worse for skipping his class so often.<br /><br />Though I have him again at 10am, and I'm pretty good about showing up to that class and actually participating and shit. That is also the class that I have this motherfucker paper for. I have it mostly outlined and partially drafted, but I have no thesis. This shit is related, I know it is, I just need to figure out <i>how</i>. Then the rest of it will spawn itself before the end of the night. Goal is to get it done before I leave North Campus for the day, so I can drop it in his mailbox and pretend its been there since Monday. His absentmindedness is useful for things sometimes.<br /><br />Did I ever mention I joined Philadelphia Freedom Band? I don't know, I never update this thing anymore. Well I did, about a month ago, and I have to say its been pretty awesome making music again. Freedom band, aka gay band, is the only LGBT and ally oriented community band in the Philadelphia area. (I know-- GAYS, in the PERFORMING ARTS? I was shocked too! &lt;/sarcasm&gt;) I really have been missing wind ensemble and pit and jazz band and all that HS music shit, as much as I used to bitch about it. But its just not worth it to join that stuff at WCU since I have to do it for credit, and I just don't have the time. Plus I don't want to take chairs away from actual music majors who actually need the credits, though I suppose its their fault for sucking more than a non-major. But community band is more fun anyway, and everyone is batshit insane. We're actually playing things that don't completely suck for the basses too, which is pretty awesome. I'm playing bass clarinet only, which makes me happy. &lt;3<br /><br />I'm impressed that I still actually have some talent left, considering that I haven't picked up that thing in three years. My chromatic isn't as fast as it was and my tonguing sucks (wait, was I ever good at it?), but I still have my tone, and that's all I really care about. Everything else can come back easily, but I worked my ass off to develop a beautiful lower octave and I'd probably cry if I had to start from square one. But I won't cry because below middle C-ish is still sex. My upper octave is totally shot; my old playing rage was Eb to Eb, three octaves. Need to practice a little bit to get that back, even though I'm technically not allowed to practice in my building. But I will until people yell at me to stop. Thinking of making a serious effort to be decent at clarinet again too.<br /><br />Been feeling a little under-the-weather lately; I think I'm getting sick. Just what I need right now. On the bright side, every time I cough in public I can turn to the person next to me and go "HA, just gave you swine flu!". It amuses me how often they freak out.<br /><br />Mmm, and now to go attend afternoon meetings and yell at WCUR trainees. Bout that paper... x.x urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:29497 2009-10-27T18:22:49Z 2009-10-27T18:22:49Z WCUR Dear CSC110: die in a fire. plzkthxbai. You are made of useless and epic phail. Take home exam on GOOGLE = Do. Not. Want.<br /><br />Professors srsly need to stop giving me high grades on shit that I bs-ed the night before it was due. Trying so hard to break myself of this habit, but I always get As! I put off my 4000+ word Old Testament midterm til the MORNING it was due and pulled it out of my ass in less than three hours. And that shit was intense hardcore philosophizing! And I got it back to A++++ 'you are the shit this is awesome wow way to go eight thousand gold stars'. Gah! <br /><br />That professor is the shit. For one of my essays on the shifting Israelite identity from Mosiac/Monarchic/post-Temple/post-exilic she wrote in the margin "Edward Said would be proud!". She knows the greatest compliment to give to a total theory dork. I made my class's heads bleed and implode when my first response to her asking me "you don't study gender, do you?" was "no, I'm a postcolonialist marxist; I specialize in imperial identity construction". Take that English department, try to convert me with your feminist nonsense. I fling my cultural normativity and identity construction at you! Rawr!<br /><br />Actually postcolonialist theory meshes quite sexily with feminist theory; most people just don't stop to realize that its all about construction of binaries and power roles. Then again that's all of English studies.<br /><br />Hell is almost over, just have a paper due for Brooks tomorrow that was actually due Monday but never got done. Whoops. Won't have time to start it until about seven pm-ish since tuesday is Hell Day.<br /><br />Its homotransophobe week in west chester, yay! I've almost been lynched a minimum of three times since the weekend! Ironically, I've looked like a little trannyboi for about five years, no idea why people suddenly feel the need to pull their kids away from me when I'm walking down the street and be like "oh god don't look keep your eyes pure." I was so tempted to breathe on the hellspawn of one particularly obnoxious cunt and yell "HA GAVE YOU GAY, you're gonna sprout a vagina tonight and start eating puppies". <br /><br />I'm considering coming out to my mom this week. May be a bad life decision, but I'm already half-disowned anyway, so at this point it doesn't really matter either way.<br /><br />I need to go clothing shopping again, I need pants. Seriously I destroy the fuck out of jeans. <br /><br />Motivation is at an all-time low. I have senioritis baaaaad. Need to start doing some hardcore grad school research too, ughhh. I'm putting it off because I'm scared shitless to think about where I'm going after I escape this hellhole. Need to schedule classes soon too, ugh. <br /><br />Need to go do some work. WCUR business and such. Maybe I'll actually update again within the next month. But don't hold your breath. ;) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:29231 2009-09-28T21:23:12Z 2009-09-28T21:23:12Z Nightwish -- Oceanborn There are some, of course, since I phail at this blogging thing epically. I have no life, you all know this.<br /><br />Why do classes suck so bad this semester omfg rawrrr. Its sad that the two that actually stimulate my brain the most are both on subjects that I dislike. But we actually have intelligent conversations in American Lit, and my professor is the shit! But I hate american literature. x.x I've become a master at throwing all the conversations into the abstract with minimal textual support, and then I just look really smart. Sorisio fuckin loves me right now, I'm hoping it stays this way since I hear she's a really hard grader. But she's awesome and I've got like 100% in her class right now.<br /><br />She'd be more awesome if she taught European lit and didn't give ridiculous pop quizzes. But whatevs.<br /><br />Old Testament (should be called Hebrew Bible goddamnit!) is eh. The problem right now isn't the psycho religinazis (yeah, kind of tore them apart the first week of class) but a guy that is really arrogant and just <i>loooves</i> to hear the sound of his own voice. He's just a fucker, whatever. Not like the rest of us want to talk or anything. &lt;/sarcasm&gt;<br /><br />Rest of classes are really just kind of suck. I'm not enjoying Brooks's classes as much as I usually do, and he's one of my favourite profs ever. We're finally off <i>Pride and Prejudice</i> so 19th cent novel doesn't fail as bad as it did. Seminar is eh, but its also at 9am, so I'd rather have bullshit then actually have to do things. Moore's class is just eh too, but there are a bunch of idiot toolbags that insist on adding their commentary every other word and she's too nice to tell them to stfu. Comp sci is a waste of my life.<br /><br />The rest of life is fantastic for once! I never thought that phrase would leave my mouth. &gt;.&lt; But I have an amazing girlfriend and live around amazing people, and for once don't feel like a massive pile of suck. Yeah, apparently I dress like a slut, and I don't dress sexy enough, according to you-know-who. Oh yeah, and I need a date for homecoming gigglesnort. I just can't bring myself to come out to my mom; she has my entire fuckin wedding planned already, and yeah, it tears me apart when she nags me about this shit (a) because she has to be such a goddamn bitch about it and (b) well, obvious, but apparently it makes her happy to live her life through me and subsequently make my life miserable. That and she has this tendency to tear apart or fuck up anything I happen to love, and I'm guessing this will apply to any<i>one</i> as well, so yeah. <br /><br />But it was her that drove me to do shots of tequila and then jump Sofie to begin with, so I guess she is useful for some things. Ironic. ;)<br /><br />There have been epic adventures and I've actually been having a social life for once, including barhopping around West Chester and making random weekend road trips to Baltimore, so that half of life doesn't suck. In fact it seems to be balancing out or overriding the part that does suck, so yeah.<br /><br />Yay. :) urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:28957 2009-09-10T18:45:23Z 2009-09-10T21:18:05Z tv in background Whoops. Oh well, not like any events of my life are significant anyway.<br /><br />Out of shoe repair hell, and none too soon. Yeah, I was grateful for the job, but I was ready to kill myself and/or everyone else in the store by the end. Fuck people srsly.<br /><br />And speaking of fuck people, I have returned to West Chester. Yay. Except not. This campus seems to be made of even more suck then before, which is an impressive feat. We shall see how this plays out over the semester<br /><br />I am now living in an apartment of motherfucking epic. Seriously, its pretty much just insanity, more insanity, banter on social constructionism, random people spawning at strange hours of the night, feminist interpretations of Honey Nut Cheerios boxes, alcohol, bagpipes, more insanity, and metal. Needless to say, its ten times better than the goddamn dorms which I am SO glad to finally be out of, considering how much this years Freshmen class sucks. <br /><br />Plus I get a kitchen, which means I get to make delicious food every night instead of suffering through the dining hall. Pan-fried tofu with General Tsao's sauce, vegan sloppy Joes, fried potatoes and omelettes for breakfast every morning, and best of all, delicious (real) Italian food from scratch, honed from living in a community surrounded by crazy Italian immigrants who know their pasta for sixteen years. It smells godly in here right now; we are going to have an epic dinner party with top hats and Merlot and delicious lasagna. I only wish I could have real pasta to go with it, but my pasta machine is at home, sadness. Have to deal with the shit from the box. But even still, Italian food and French booze! Fantastic nights ahead! =D<br /><br />ps- yeah, dry campus lolz<br /><br />Classes! I has some:<br /><br />ENG400-02: English Seminar, Victorian Crime Novels (Brooks)<br />LIT341: 19th Century Novel (Brooks)<br />LIT 302: Development of the American Novel (Soriso)<br />PHI351: Ideas of the Old Testament (Cox)<br />PHI206: Religion of the West (Moore)<br />CSC110: Intro to Comp. Sci. (Townsend)<br /><br />Half of them suck and half are awesome, so its neutral. American Lit is going to suck, even though I love the professor so far. Fuckin Moby Dick AND Uncle Tom's Cabin. Not fair! Haaaaaate. The pair of Brook's classes is back to back, so thats awesome because he's the shit. The one I've already read all the books for, so he told me that I can just coast through the semester and sleep, and he'll give me an A. Gods he's awesome. Ditto to Moore. Comp Sci sucks so bad, whatever, it fills the requirement and the professor is vaguely amusing. Old Testament is going to go either way: the prof is so awesome, but I fucking hate all the people in the class. Its half Philosophy majors and half CRU members. Its going to be a bloodbath. Cox said she's going to bring in boxing gloves and we can just fight it out physically by the end of the semester. Also she wants to play Biblical lazer tag. Love.<br /><br />And now I can finally say I've been to Nocturne, because I make bad life decisions and go out clubbing even though I know I have an early class the next day. Whatever, it was goddamn epic. There shall be many more trips to deal with this school year, its just going to be necessary. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:28918 2009-08-02T01:26:28Z 2009-08-02T01:26:28Z random tv Except when I have shit to bitch about, of course. So lets just runthrough the highlights of my July month for those who happen to be interested in insignificant aspects of my West Motherfuck alterego.<br /><br />I was glued to the Tour de France all month, of course. Though apparently not many people realize this about me, I am a cycling Fanatic, with a serious capital F. More of a mountain biker personally, but I follow road racing pretty close because most of the people I talk sprockets with are crazy old men who are road bikers. Though Levi falling on stage 12 pretty much killed my Tour hopes this year because I really wanted him to kick some Armstrong ass. Of course the crazy old British men who do the commentary had him on the phone during stages 13 and 14 and were drilling him about how shitty he must feel having to watch his team kick ass from his couch at home. Armstrong came in third, incidently, for anyone who actually cares. His teammate Alberto won after shredding the fuck out of the Swiss Alps. My Garmin boys didn't do too hot either actually, but Christian Valve-Verde was just having a really shitty tour, and they were really counting on him to lead them. Can't wait til Tyler Farrar heals up a little better so he can continue to scalp Cav.<br /><br />Enough nerd ranting. What else has happened in life...<br /><br />Well speaking of sprocket rockets, got me a new mountain shredding beast. Pictures will be coming soon, for sure, but we have no camera cables in this house so I need to procure one. Its a beautiful 2009 Diamondback Lustre 2 hardtrail/XC racer (meaning front shocks and suspension fork, rear derailler with no suspension), 15" frame, 26" wheels, SRAM trigger shifters, pearl white frame with green and black decals. Of course its stupid to have a WHITE mountain bike, but the only other colour it came in was a hideous teal. Womens bikes don't come in black or brown, of course. I'm just happy I didn't have to spraypaint a pink POS. It is no longer white, of course, since I was bunnyhopping through mud puddles all day, but this thing is a beast. Seriously, if you're buying a mountain bike, especially if you're female, buy a Diamondback.<br /><br />Fuck this house, of course. Its been up and down, whatever. I'm only here and dealing with people for a few hours a day anyway.<br /><br />As alluded to earlier, though I'm evil so I leave you all hanging, yes, I am gainfully employed with a crazy old cobbler down in West Reading. Seriously, I have so many stories from this place of psycho bitches flipping out on me for no reason. Want to have a good laugh, ask me about the pink flipflop lady, the psycho Coach bitch, red handbag whore... oh man, the list goes on. And yes, those are all horrible names that we give them behind their backs. Maybe I'll post a few of the more amusing anecdotes sometime.<br /><br />And what else. Hm, I turned 21 in that time. Celebrated at Knoebles like the two year old I am and was force fed alcohol by my own mother who is still on an intense quest to make me "normal". Whatev on that too, it was still a good day.<br /><br />Taking the GREs in October, ugh. Though I'm actually seriously considering not going to grad school for my Ph.D., but just going for a year, getting my MLS, and then getting out into the work force. At this point, I really feel like this is the best choice for assorted reasons that I'm still trying to work out completely. Honestly, I can't think about making major life decisions while I'm here. I'm using this cover as an excuse to fend off nagging about my lack of future for the summer, and then waiting til I get back to WCU where I can talk to people who don't think I'm a total fuckup and can give a more neutral or positive opinion. <br /><br />And speak of the devil, now I'm being yelled at indirectly for some bullshit. More later. Or maybe not given my update track record. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:28533 2009-06-26T20:48:00Z 2009-06-26T20:48:00Z <div class='appwidget appwidget-qotd' id='LJWidget_12'> <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td><div style='border: 1px solid #000; padding: 6px;'><p>'Fess up: What do you do that's bad for the environment?</p><p style='font-size: 0.8em;'>Sponsored by <a href="http://sixapart.adbureau.net/adclick/CID=000014f20000000000000000" target="_blank">One Million Acts of Green</a> brought to you by <a href="http://sixapart.adbureau.net/adclick/CID=000014f20000000000000000" target="_blank">Cisco</a>.</p><br /><p><input type="button" value="Answer" onclick="document.location.href='http://www.livejournal.com/update.bml?qotd=960'" /> <a target="_blank" href="http://www.livejournal.com/misc/latestqotd.bml?qid=960">View 500 Answers</a><img src="http://sixapart.adbureau.net/iserver/ccid=5362" border='0' width='1' height='1' alt='' /></p></div></td></tr></table></div><!-- end .appwidget-qotd --> <br /><br />I drive a six cylinder automatic sedan. Made by Ford. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:28371 2009-06-26T20:46:57Z 2009-06-26T20:46:57Z Dear gods I finally have a fucking job. FINALLY, I will be out of the house six days a week and getting paid for it.<br /><br />Maybe the rest of the summer won't suck as bad now. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:27558 2009-06-15T23:44:52Z 2009-06-15T23:44:52Z Emilie Autumn -- The Art of Suicide So it's official. I'm a loser, a disappointment, and a complete and total failure (among other things). This is according to my mother, of course. Love it, just love it. As if I wasn't miserable enough to begin with. But don't worry, she even gave me a section of the newspaper devoted to low-incoming housing with a "glad i don't need this, but you will" and "i'll get you a bulleproof vest for your birthday". This came out of nowhere, a few minutes after me sitting down on the couch after spending my day cleaning half the house, making dinner, walking the dogs, doing the laundry, etc, etc; just "you're a total disappointment (etc etc)" and after my dad makes a what-the-fuck type comment starts with "well its not my fault she's a loser and a screw up." what the hell, seriously. Glad I don't have, you know, feelings or anything. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:27171 2009-05-22T16:59:12Z 2009-05-22T16:59:12Z shitty tv Still at war with the parental units, what a surprise. Seriously I can actually feel the depression/sickness/hate sinking in around me when I'm in here. This is ridiculous and pathetic, and furthering my i-need-go-get-the-fuck-out-of-here reflex. Kevin wants to have dinner up in West Chester next week, so at least that's one night away. Ugh.<br /><br />First job fell through, and I'm not sad to see it go. Fucking Gage (my new agency; Manpower isn't hiring for shit) fucked me over so hard and put me in the biggest shithole humanly possible. Yeah, line work isn't fun. I know. It's not like I've never done it before. But this was a new level of hell. People would literally burst into tears right there on the line, <i>begging</i> the operator to turn the machines down. If you know what's good for you, do not show me anything remotely resembling a pretzel for the next year or I might flip out. I was having nightmares of pretzels for several days afterwards, UGH. Fuck "Flipz", srsly.<br /><br />I have a lead on a new job, I went in for the interview and charmed them all, they love me and they want me, but its been a week and they haven't called me back since. They were checking my references and shit, but I don't think that would take a whole week? Obviously I didn't put down anyone that would say anything bad about me, so I'm not sure what the problem is. I think I'll call first thing on Monday to see what the dilly-o is, because I need a fucking job. As far as warehouse jobs go, it doesn't seem too bad. Though I'm getting first shift, not third, which kinda sorta really sucks, since I've always depended on third shift to retain my sanity throughout the summer (read as: third shift = never having to see anybody else who lives in the house, ever).<br /><br />Apparently I go to the gym and lift weights too much. People will think I'm a dyke, you know, and no one will think I'm sexy with muscles that show. LOL, wow, I don't know what my mother's problem with this is or why its her new vendetta against me, but its kinda hilarious in a pathetic way.<br /><br />I've taken up skateboarding more seriously, about 40% for the adrenaline factor, 40% for the badass factor, and 20% for the good old fashioned piss off the parentals factor. Must learn to pull my ollie up past about a foot, grrrr.<br /><br />Been having serious second thoughts about grad school, which is working very hard against me since my fucking mother has gone from being dead-set against it to dead-set for it, to the point where she won't hear any talk about me not going. But last semester's hell-load showed me that I'm not going to be able to handle a grad level work load, physically, mentally, spiritually, whatever. I'm tired of feeling like I'm entirely useless to society, and clearly funding agencies feel the same way, as the humanities are being fucked over in every possible way. If I go, its going to be for a masters in one of the communications fields, which is what I should have majored/double majored in from the beginning, but you know all college info seminars are useless so I didn't realize this until it was too late. I don't know anymore, its whatever. Just more shit I need to look in to, and have no motivation to do so. <br /><br />I hate summer break. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:27042 2009-05-11T20:33:58Z 2009-05-11T20:33:58Z That's it, I can't stay here over the summer, I am literally going to die. I got into such a huge fight with my father, my only bastion of sanity, that I almost crashed my fucking car because I was sobbing too hard to drive. Jesus fuck I'm still sobbing, my stomach is on fire, what the hell is wrong with me. I have gone from feeling reasonably confident and happy to wanting nothing but to carve up my body and die, in less than a week. How the fuck does this shithole do this to me. There's something wrong with me, there really is. My own house, my own goddamn family has managed to turn my life into a living hell. It has to be me, it fucking has to. Maybe I really am just an ungrateful little piece of shit. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:26738 2009-05-11T09:27:19Z 2009-05-11T09:27:19Z Scorpions (feat Berlin Orchestra) -- Rock You Like A Hurricane (Live) I inherited a sweet fifteen speed racing bike from the paternal unit, who doesn't really use it anymore (so I convinced him to let me use it instead). Yeah, fifteen speeds, oldschool. It's probably from the early '90s, what did you expect. I think 18-24 is the new standard, but whatever. Not like you actually use all the gears anyway, so an 18 speed would really only increase my shifting range by one, at most. 28", nice light frame, in decent condition considering its been sitting in my basement for the past six years. I spent part of today spiffing both it and my old mountain bike up for the summer, need to go out tomorrow and buy some grease for the chains. I think I'm going to keep said mountain bike for now, since there are nice trails around here and I don't want to fuck up the tires of my street bike. Only the racing/road bike is coming back to school with me, methinks. Though who knows, West Chester sidewalks are pretty trecherous, maybe I'll need that mountain bike after all.<br /><br />Summer is uneventful. Still unemployed and have no prospects, I filled out an application at a supermarket over the weekend and beat on the street is that Gauge is having a job fair tomorrow, so I'm going to brave the streets of West Reading to see if I can get me a nice hazard job, preferably with lots of heavy lifting, to maximize my income. Breathing in toxic fumes shouldn't be too bad if it's only for a few months.... right?<br /><br />I've polished off a few books since I've been home, probably the best part of summer. <br /><br />Might be going to Europe with the paternal unit for my birthday, which is pretty fucking awesome. I'm finally getting my damn passport so when he goes on these long business trips abroad, I can tag along and go <strike>pick up hot german metalheads</strike> see the sights and such.<br /><br />Ugh, unpacking still needs to get done. Most of it is done, but I'm being really lazy wiht the last box or so, and then I have to do something about all the piles that have accumulated themselves in my room, which is apparently the new crap closet for the parental units when I'm gone. At least my mother hasn't converted it to a bedroom for her dogs ....YET. &gt;.&lt;<br /><br />Family problems, emo tiems, yadda yadda yadda. Pretty much ignoring it all right now, that's probably not healthy.<br /><br />Also, sleep is clearly for the weak. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:26618 2009-05-01T16:45:02Z 2009-05-01T16:45:02Z Firewind -- I Am The Anger Ah, torno a casa. We'll decide if this is a good thing in about a week or so when I'm clawing to get back up to WCU. But I already have a few escape routes in place in case this house drives me up the wall; several minions have requested my prescence, and Zach promised he'd take me out for delicious Indian food and offroading adventures if I came up that summer (&lt;3!).<br /><br />Semester in wrapup:<br />+best papers: War for Wonderland: Colonialism, Conquest, and Ethnocentrism in the Alice Books. Headbangers in Asgaard: Asatru and the Viking Metal Movement. They're tied, I couldn't just pick one :P<br />+presented three papers at area conferences, generated a buzz, did some networking.<br />+finally learned what it was like to be hit with a ridiculously pathetic crush, and the soulcrushing shyness of not being able to admit it.<br />+survived the Hoffbeast.<br />+met one of the best professors at WCU, Charlotte Moore, whom I adore beyond all human reason and will be taking classes with for the rest of my career, and most likely keeping touch with after I graduate.<br />+obligatory made new friends, nurtured my life, etc, etc<br />+made the PR office love me to death<br />+learned I don't want to go into PR after I graduate<br />+survived the most ridiculous suicidal course load ever. Never again. X_X<br /><br />Plans for summer:<br />+work<br />+gym<br />+work more<br />+possible vacation?<br />+turn 21<br />+oh did I mention work?<br /><br />Tomorrow is the festival of the Birthday of the Buddha. I'm off to make delicious vegan cupcakes for the occasion. :)<br /><br />Peace out gaiz. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:26265 2009-04-27T09:46:17Z 2009-04-27T09:46:17Z the birds approaching sunrise So fucking sick of everything ever. This semester has pretty much reinforced why I'll crack under the pressure in grad school and probably shouldn't even bother going.<br /><br />Seriously, this workload is causing physical pain. Pretty sure that's not supposed to happen. I'm exhausted, drained, and burnt out physically, mentally, spiritually, and every fucking level inbetween. I've been pushing my body well beyond my limits and its exhausting to the point where I can't even think anymore. I've spent more time awake than asleep the past week and a half, and of course have been abusing every source of caffine and sugar to keep my energy levels up. If I thought they'd do shit for me, I'd go down to the health center tomorrow and ask for 10 ccs of NPH insulin because I know my levels are up from all the sugar abuse, which I'm sure is part of the exhaustion. <br /><br />I have to have two papers finished by nine am. I'm not even done with one. Fuck.<br /><br />One is, of course, already overdue and the Hoffbeast is going to fucking kill me. I won't be surprised if he refuses to take it, which will be just peachy because then I'll fail the class. Words cannot express my hatred for that man right now, and any work I do for him has gotten to the point of being physically painful. There...there just are no words. Suffice it to say that if I found out he got hit by a bus, I honestly would not care. I might laugh. I feel like a horrible person for thinking such things, but its at the point where I wouldn't care.<br /><br />The other is for Perry who is also pretty high up on my shit list, and also in the "i dont fucking care about your class anymore since you have not given me one goddamn reason why i should" vein.<br /><br />It's pathetic that I'm already mapping out ways to get out of this shit and buy myself an extention. At this point, I'm thinking pour all my effort out into the Hoffbeast's paper, which I'm totally fucked for because I don't believe my own argument anymore, but I'm not allowed to change it, so basically I now have to prove a point that I thoroughly admit was based on a misinterpretation of select scripture and thus is no loner valid. Whatever. I kind of wanted to write my paper on Satanism just to piss him the fuck off. Asatru is the next best thing, of course. Trying to change my premises just enough so they'll still be valid and he won't notice, but enough so that I can actually believe the shit I'm writing. And if not, fuck it, I'll just write it. I don't care.<br /><br />And for Perry, at this point, she hates me anyway. I'm just going to go with the blatently honest "I have not slept a consecutive five hours in the past week, I have had seven papers, two presentations, an exam, two outlines, and gods know how much reading due in the past week. I'm burnt out. You'll get the fucker in a few days and I don't care how much you downgrade me for this." Hopefully she won't knock off a letter grade for every single day it's late, or I'll probably end up with an F before I even turn it in.<br /><br />Of course, tomorrow (today) was the one day that I actually had something enjoyable and fun planned, and am now going to be half asleep for it. I don't care that its my own fault for poor planning or whatever, I'm strung out the point where I either want to punch something or sit and wallow in my own self pity. <br /><br />This entire summer is going to be detox time. Week of literally living on salad and tofu to let all this artificial shit and sugar overload spool itself out of my body. When not at work, you will find me in the gym or meditating in a tree somewhere. I can't keep living my life like this, pushing myself to the point of exhaustion and self hatred and then expecting four months of recovery time before the cycle starts up again, yet I know this is going to continue if I go to graduate school. I'm so tired of the same cycle, and honestly, I don't think its worth it in the end. I know I'm not turning out my best quality of work as I'm just churning out bullshit two hours before the fucker is due. <br /><br />Fuck everything. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:26077 2009-04-25T21:28:20Z 2009-04-25T21:29:29Z Symphony X -- Domination War Hammer of the gods<br />Bring down the walls of Babylon urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:25827 2009-04-20T10:32:16Z 2009-04-20T10:43:27Z Disturbed -- Meaning of Life Seven papers, two presentations, two outlines, a handout, portfolio, and an exam, all by Friday? Oh yeah, and add 60-someodd books to bind by hand on top of that.<br /><br />Sorry guys, this workload is kinda ridiculous.<br /><br />And to make everything worse, apathy has set in. This isn't good. This will not end well. Motivation = 0. And every day is pretty much packed to the seams with meetings/awards ceremonies/classes/reviews/etc, so that leaves nothing but nighttime to do all this shit. <br /><br />I need an idea for my final paper for the Hoffbeast. It's due in two days and I haven't even sent him my TEMPLATE yet. There's no way I'm going to be able to get it in on time. I think I'm going to turn it in late for the B because I need to take a few things off this workload, seriously. I get that it's college, I get that I'm overloaded with classes, I get that I'm in all upper level English and Philosophy classes, but come on. This is kind of fucking ridiculous. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:25521 2009-04-16T08:26:44Z 2009-04-16T08:26:44Z Trail of Tears -- She Weaves Shadows I got fucking called for jury duty.<br /><br />Isn't that just goddamn peachy.<br /><br />Glad I don't have, you know, sixty five pages to write in the next week and totally have time for this shit.<br /><br />On a related note, this week is going to kill me. It's already a given. That sixty five isn't an exaggeration.<br /><br />I really hate life sometimes. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:25245 2009-04-14T02:53:45Z 2009-04-14T03:01:19Z blind guardian -- another stranger me I don't think I could even begin to explain anything right now.<br /><br />Back when I used to SI, this would have been my anthem had the song been made. Really not liking the ways it applies to my life right now.<br /><br /><br />A seed of doubt<br />It exists<br />And it grows<br />A glimpse of life<br />From somewhere deep within<br />Awake and understand<br /><br /><b>Is there anyone else here?<br />Somebody screaming<br />Please help me<br />Let's find out now<br />That I am not dreaming<br />Welcome to my damnation<br />Here it comes the real me</b><br /><br />I didn't know<br />I couldn't hear the answer<br />My mind was blank<br />I should have known<br />I hold it back but somehow<br />There is someone else<br />Another stranger me<br /><br />Another stranger me<br /><br />That's<br />When the ice<br />Will break away<br /><br />I can't get out here<br />Anymore<br />Cause none of my keys<br />Fit the door<br />There's fear and anger<br />Hate and love<br />I must confess<br />It's out of hand<br /><br />It's cynic<br />It's cynic<br />Still cynic<br />All my laughter<br /><br />It's cynic<br />Just manic<br />It's cynic<br />All her laughter<br /><br />If there's anyone in<br />It soon will be over<br />We'll burn out<br />Our soul's aflammed<br />And we're on our own now<br />Give up you cruel invasion<br />You're insane I'll show you<br /><br />I didn't know...<br /><br />Out and gone<br />Can't resist<br />Cold and sore<br />The bolt of pain<br />Keeps ripping through my head<br />I can take no more<br /><br /><b>Don't tell anyone else but I<br />Do not believe her<br />She hates me<br />Cloud my mind<br />She's a deceiver<br />I can feel cruel vibrations<br />Would you like to meet me?<br /><br />I didn't know...<br /><br />Another stranger me</b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:25052 2009-04-13T01:28:53Z 2009-04-13T01:28:53Z I should not get off the phone with my own fucking mother crying and feeling like a worthless piece of shit.<br /><br />I just shouldn't. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:24815 2009-04-01T03:51:56Z 2009-04-01T03:51:56Z Nine Inch Nails -- Beginning of the End (ladytron remix) Awesome. Day. Was. Awesome.<br /><br />I mean seriously, considering I spent two hours last night curled up in my chair sobbing, this is...really, where the fuck did this come from.<br /><br />1. I got an A- on a test that I legitimately thought I failed. Rephrase: I DID fail. Answers are blatently wrong and entirely made up. But he decided for some reason beyond my comprehension to mark them right and give me an A-. I'm not complaining.<br /><br />2. I got accepted to the FDI conference in Bloomsburg, presenting a really awesome paper. No seriously. I am in love with this paper, and I'm really excited to get some feedback on it. Only problem is its only a six-seven minute read now, so I've gotta get it up to fifteen. Shouldn't be a problem though since I'm really enthusiastic about the topic.<br /><br />3. I got a fucking $1500 scholarship from the English Department WHHAAATTT! This is the first time ever I have actually gotten money for school. Like seriously. I get No Fucking Financial Aid at all, which sucks beyond human comprehension. But some professor (I don't know who, but I suspect it was Peich...) nominated me for this award, so I was like hey, I'll apply. And I fucking won! More people in the department must like me than I thought.... either that or they were impressed with my "Why I Am A Total English Nerd And Need A Life" essay. Either way, I don't care. I'm so pumped.<br /><br />4. I saw motherfucking Dethklok at The Note tonight. Doctor Rockso was a guest, complete with hot pink furry gogo boots and neon spandex. Also they did so many awesome coversssss fucking Van Halen! Metal version of Queen! BOC! King Diamond!<br /><br />::floats away on cloud nine::<br /><br />Not going to think about EAPSU for now, because that will kill all this happy. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:vanya_karamazov:24141 2009-03-22T02:16:05Z 2009-03-22T02:16:05Z Kamelot -- EdenEchoes Fun fact: Lime-flavoured Diet Pepsi is a liquid form of crack.